This year is all about Saturn. Saturn has moved from Scorpio to Sagittarius. Saturn will backpedal to Scorpio again from June 14 until September 17 in 2015, but after that he'll be in Sagittarius until December 19, 2017. What does all of this mean? I have no idea. Here’s how I, Danmac the Magnificent, read the stars for your sign in 2015:

Taurus (April 21 - May 21): You are working close to full-time trying to beat your quota in the first half of the year. Your intentions are clear. You want to coast and sandbag your way through the second half. Killing Q1 and Q2 will allow you to put rivalries at work into perspective. Yes, I mean two words and they’re not Happy Easter.

Gemini (May 22 - June 21): You were going to improve time management skills this year and learn how to sort the essential out from the trivial … but face it, the trivial is a lot more fun. Think Pinterest or Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Edition 2015. Find some quality time with your buddies and commiserate about how “cold calling’s dead” and “according to a ton of books and blogs it doesn’t work anyway.” Gemini, don’t believe it.

Cancer (June 22 - July 22): The burdens imposed by Saturn will make room for the light-heartedness, fantasy and the joyful energy of Jupiter. If you believe that, I have some land in Detroit I would like to talk to you about. You were feeling pretty good about work until the new SVP of Sales & Marketing announced that leads sourced by marketing have to be proactively accepted or rejected by sales; AND if you reject a lead you have to say why. Oh, and, Pluto is somehow figuring into your fall. Pluto isn’t even a real planet anymore so big whoop.

Leo (July 23 -August 21): Most of the leads you get from marketing are not so hot, and as usual, you already knew about all of the good ones anyway. Credit belongs where it’s due … with you. It’s time to take a more mature approach to your feelings. You've been working on your own communication skills, and frankly, it’s about damn time everyone else did too.

Virgo (August 22 - September 23): Like a butterfly, in the first half of the year you break the cocoon and in the second half you emerge from it. (Really, who writes this stuff?) Saturn will retrograde back into your house of communication, so at least you have that going for you. You'll continue to pursue the seemingly impossible balance between solitude and connection, but will fail miserably.

Libra (September 24 - October 23): Almost nothing you do between now and August is going to pan out, so why not lay low and enjoy some down time (but, keep your smart phone charged in case a bluebird calls you). You'll need August through December to prepare for one of your biggest years ever in 2016. Even if you don’t believe that, you have work to do to convince your boss that next year will be great.

Scorpio (October 24 - November 22): I don’t like scorpions so I don’t read the stars for Scorpios.

Sagittarius (November 23 - December 22): During this potent eclipse cycle, your needs will be top of mind. Quota—not so much. Your eyes are wide open to your true priorities and making cold calls is not one of them.

Capricorn (December 23 - January 20): When Jupiter changes signs in August, you will be almost 70% of the way through the year and at 35% of your quota. Chin up! Based on CSO Insights you can still beat most of the other sales reps out there with just a little effort. Your next break won’t come until 2017 so either figure out how to outlast your boss, or run an ad in Auto Trader and dump that $1,200 per month gas guzzling Dodge SRT Hellcat.

Aquarius (January 21 - February 19): I do know that you Aquarius types tend to be guarded and get bottled up with anger by holding in your feelings. The next time your boss gives you grief about your lack of prospecting, just let him know that HubSpot says prospecting doesn’t work. You are fascinated by the deeper mysteries of life, such as, “Is bottled water expensable?” … “Were the ‘Glengarry Glen Ross’ leads really all that good?” … “What’s the difference between a marketing automation score of 75 vs. 100?” The answers: yes, no and about 25.

Pisces (February 20- March 20): You have a sensible and permeable style. I looked up “permeable” on Google and it is defined as “allowing liquids or gases to pass through it.” I know what that means to me, but I have no idea how that ties into a person’s style—except in a bad way. Your boss will have a standoff with Neptune this July bringing the whole business of alignment with marketing into focus. Personally, I would stop taking the cute marketing intern out for two-margarita lunches immediately, but that’s just me.

Aries (March 21 - April 20): Make the most of the second quarter because you missed the first quarter by a mile. You will have the chance to turn the page in 2015 and reverse the downward spiral—after all, the average Aries hit just 50% of their quota in 2014. A mentor will try to explain the difference between authentic and obnoxious to you this year. You won’t get it.

Hopefully, you knew early on this was written as an April fool’s joke! I have nothing but the upmost respect for sales professionals. Some of the hardest working professionals I have known have been sales reps or managers. Having said that, a SVP of Sales friend of mine answers the following question: “How many sales reps work for you?” Answer: “About half.”

And of course many hard-working marketing executives are consistently delivering the qualified, nurtured leads that sales needs. Then again, some aren’t.

A happy day, and hopefully a smile or two are in my forecast for you today.